The 2020 presidential election is over, but unfortunately the divisiveness surrounding it unlikely to be over anytime soon.
This, along with the growing anger and frustration from social issues and the coronavirus, could make for a perfect storm of marital breakdown and at the very least, disrupt your sex life.
Yet there’s nothing wrong with finding a partner with differing views on the world, in fact it can be very healthy.
So here married couple, intimacy experts and authors Ian Lavalley and Shasta Townsend, share five ways they approach differing political views to keep their marriage from becoming a battle ground, and make love not war in the bedroom.
“The fact that my wife has a brain and an opinion is quite sexy. In some ways the differences in our relationship created a strong attraction,” says Ian.
“I never wanted to date myself, but it has meant setting some ground rules and also looking at myself as a man and husband.”
Make being happy more important than being right
SHASTA: Male or female, most humans love to be right. There’s actually a part of your mammalian brain that feels safe by being right. Faced with uncertainty and change, it gets tripped and we seek to validate our own “rightness.”
This can lead to narrow thinking, stubbornness and arguments as we attempt to get someone to see and believe as we see and believe.
But you should not expect your lover, or anyone, to side with you. Do not try to convince them they are wrong. Do not try to speak louder just because they are not hearing you.
Simply, decide to know what you know, to feel what you feel, and to allow your spouse the same.
We have to consciously override this ‘animal’ part of ourselves that seeks to be safe by being right. But the good news is that we are also wired for connection, intimacy, and sex.
When you understand you have this primal part of yourself that can either go to war or go to the bedroom – you can choose which path to take.
Leave your political party outside the bedroom and make your sex life a priority
IAN: During times of stress, conflict and uncertainty, we often go into fight or flight patterns and sex may be one of the last things on our mind.
Although many people become aroused during stressful situations – consider that horror movies have so much sex in them, regardless, shutting down the political debate is essential to your sex life.
This might mean actually drawing a boundary around conversations. We often coach couples to limit political conversations to a certain part of the day, or for a limited number of minutes to ensure their marriage is not overwhelmed with debate.
A great marriage is a collaborative relationship instead of a contentious one, even if you have differences.
Your bedroom is a sacred space where you connect with each other as a couple. You should be focused on your connection with your partner, and not talking politics. This is NOT the time to be right. It’s the time to be present as a lover.
You have to decide that the president has no place in your bedroom.
Shut your mouth and get curious
SHASTA: In a time when there’s so much division, one of the best things we can do is to open up communication. Again, this does not mean spewing your opinions or raging against the machine.
This means shutting your mouth and getting curious. Ask your partner what he or she thinks and why. And, be open to hearing.
This is a chance to be curious and engaging rather than right or argumentative.
Bear in mind that your partner probably did not form their political views to annoy or defy you. They have a reason even if it’s an emotional one. By asking them about their views and affiliations you may actually gain insight into them, and learn something.
In turn, they will feel more seen, understood and heard.
Set boundaries on certain conversations while opening up others
IAN: If you find a point where you both completely disagree, whether it be the economy, trade or immigration, you may just decide to agree to disagree.
We definitely do not agree on many things. We have a differing opinion for example on gun laws that in 20-years has not changed, so we are respectful of that, but we also just don’t discuss it. There’s no point.
The same way I would not tell my wife how to eat her eggs, I don’t tell her what to think, but we also just don’t talk about it.
You can have a democratic marriage, and tenants of democracy include respect for basic human rights; a multi-party political system paired with political tolerance; democratic voting system; respect for the rule of law; democratic governance; citizen participation.
As long as we can do that within a democracy and relationship we can achieve a quality of life and personal fulfillment together.
While we expect people to contribute in a democracy they should not be shamed for their beliefs, as long as they are respecting basic human rights.
Work together on your personal goals, regardless of your politics
SHASTA: I plan to make the next four years of my life the best four years with my husband. We may not agree on politics or policy, but we have a shared dream and goals, and we work together to achieve them.
So few couples talk about are their shared dreams, goals, and desires. We often enter relationships based on sexual attraction and sometimes shared interests. It may come as a surprise that your partner holds certain political views or maybe you knew that going in, the key thing as a couple is to get on the same page about what you want your life, marriage, sex life, money life, and contribution to be.
This is THE most important thing to talk about. Do you have a common goal? Do you have a shared vision for what you want to experience in life and this relationship? Do you know what’s important to your partner? Have you talked about sex, money, personal dreams and what you value?
Few of us have ever considered asking these questions of ourselves, never mind our spouse, but you can also use this time to dive in and create even more connection in your relationship and get on the same page regardless of what you marked on your ballot.
Learn more about sex and relationship experts Shasta and Ian at 7starlove.com
